you are not stupid for caring. you get to care. like i said, it was 2 years before i finally gave up on having a relationship with jeff. and by relationship, i mean i would have taken ANYTHING he had to give me. friendship, romance, or just someone to fuck when he came to town. i would have done anything just to keep him in my life.

it was not an easy thing to let go of. and by not easy, i mean it fucking destroyed me, and any sense of self i had, and any desire to keep going. and as a matter of fact, in what now that i look back i realize may have been a breakthrough, i began to fantasize him finding out about my death. about him, knowing that people would expect him to be at the funeral because of our past friendship (no one knew about the new stuff), showing up and my mother making a big stink about how he was the reason i was dead and if he didn’t want to die to he better GTFO now, etc.

and i got to that point and felt some satisfaction. and then, something shifted. i thought, “He’s going to know that I did this because of what happened between us.”

I went from that feeling like revenge, to me realizing what enormous power that gave him over this. And because he is all about power, he would FUCKING FEED OFF OF MY SUICIDE. HE WOULD BASK IN THE REALIZATION THAT HE HAD SUCH AN IMPACT ON SOMEONE THAT HE CAUSED THEM TO TAKE THEIR OWN LIFE.


and that’s when i decided


no fucking way.

You, SORAYA, really should read more about lovebombing if you are still so confused about how he could say such intimate, binding things to you and not mean them even a little bit.

I decided that JEFF SPRADLING is addicted to the excitement of beginnings. I think he did feel the things he said, in the moment. i think he was well, well aware that there was never going to be a future for us (this is common with these guys) but he couldn’t get off on the fantasy if I didn’t believe it was real.

I was willing at the beginning to just be casual with him. more than willing. god knows i have practice with that.

it was he that pushed the intimacy. it was he who said i love you for a month before i said it back.

it was he who pushed ALL OF IT

and then when i finally gave in and went with the flow; when his chase was over, he got bored. she started to ask questions and suddenly the costs outweighed the benefits of his game so he shut it down and pretended it hadn’t’ happened. ‘

like really pretended. even to me. HUH? I NEVER SAID THAT!

he just told lie after lie after lie after that. it was quite something to behold. but then, i don’t have to tell you.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know I want it to be spelled right and punctuated correctly. I guess that’s something.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know I want it to be spelled right and punctuated correctly. I guess that’s something.