What you describe has actually long been one of my biggest fears: on top of the addictions, and the Complex PTSD, I also have Bipolar II Disorder and can easily imagine a state of mind where my suicidal ideation comes as immediate action right out of the gate. When I’m NOT suicidal I am in fear of becoming suicidal and taking that leap so fast and hard there will be no changing the outcome.
So weird that I fear a DECISION. Something I should have control over.
Anyway I would be interested in hearing about your journey even if it isn’t something you’re comfortable publicly broadcasting. I have had quite a off-the-beaten path recovery journey myself. It is also something I don’t want to shout from the rooftops. If you would like to talk let me know and I will get you my Glorious Mess email. That way we can stay within the Medium if doing the personal communication thing feels less than safe to you. (Which I would totally understand ).