TRUNCATED TRANSCRIPTION OF TRUMP’S CBS 60 MINUTES INTERVIEW AS COVERED BY ABC (With additional commentary)

ABC:

Don’t be afraid! We are going to bring our country back! But, certainly, don’t be afraid! We just had an election and, sort of like, you have to be given a little time.

UMMM…whose country are you bringing back? Because, newsflash: WE ARE AFRAID. WE ARE VERY AFRAID. But, thanks for the empty encouragement.

ABC:

I am VERY surprised to hear that. I HATE to hear that. I am SO SADDENED to hear that. And I say, STOP IT. If it helps. And I will say this. And I’ll say it right to the camera (looks at camera): STOP IT.

UMMM…Wait!?!? Are you telling me that right here, right now, in the midst of your first televised interview since the election, is the FIRST YOU’VE HEARD ABOUT THE EPIDEMIC OF INSANITY THAT HAS BROKEN OUT SINCE YOU WERE ELECTED? And you are SO SURPRISED? You didn’t think blatantly encouraging racism, and rape culture, and gun violence, and intolerance at every one of your rallies might have consequences? Let me guess…you were just kidding around, right? You didn’t MEAN that stuff. Your people knew it was just in fun, right? And now, you’re SHOCKED. Okay. That’s cool. I’m sure it will stop now, since you calmly stated, “Stop it.” Twice. I’m sure that will have the same impact as the animated, colorfully caustic, ranting hate speeches that started all of this. And really, what else do we expect from you? After all, you ONLY JUST HEARD ABOUT IT FOR THE FIRST TIME. Just a bit of advice? You might want to brush up on your pre-briefing for the next time. Also, you might want to read the job description in full. By hook, or by crook, people are now going to look up to you. Somebody, somewhere, is going to emulate you. So, it’d be great if, you know, you wouldn’t be such an absolute douche bag.

ABC:

Uhhh…for certain areas, I would. For certain areas, a wall is more appropriate. I’m very good at this. It’s called construction.

NO SHIT. Well, at least we hit on a subject you aren’t completely ignorant about. Something you’re VERY GOOD at. We know this because you were quick to make sure we knew. And you just couldn’t help that little condescending comment, could you? Well, guess what? You may not know anything about politics, but most of us know that building bridges and walls is, in fact, construction. So, thanks for giving us the benefit of your expertise.

ABC:

What we are going to do get the people that are criminal that have criminal records, gang members, drug dealers, we have a lot of these people. Probably 2 million, it could even be 3 million, we’re getting them out of our country or we’re going to incarcerate them.

What about the ones whose records consist of the one immigration charge? You sending them back, too? And incarcerate? Here? Because our prisons aren’t filled to the brim already? I think that’s great. Keep building onto the prison system infrastructure. Let’s keep funding prisons. Private ones, if possible. Don’t worry about educating kids before they become criminals so they can avoid prison. The kiddies will be FINE! THEY HAVE BOX TOPS!!!

ABC:

They’ll perhaps have to go to another state.

Umm…I sure hope not. It’s awfully pricey to get to another state from Alaska. So, this is awesome. I think it’s so “yesterday’s great America that never existed” of you to march right in with your penis, and no vagina or womb of your own, and strip women of their right to choose. Women were getting too many rights, anyway. Shit. We didn’t know what to DO with all that autonomy. It’s a damned good thing you came along when you did. So, now, all the poor babies born to poor, single moms who can’t afford them…YOU’RE going to take care of them, right? I mean, a billion dollars can feed a lot of kids, for a long time. And since YOU want them so much, I can’t imagine you’ll turn them away.

ABC:

These cases have gone to the Supreme Court. They’ve been settled. And, I’m fine with that.

First of all, I agree with this. I just want to make that clear. I don’t TRUST it, but I agree with it. That said, I see how you came to your decision. It’s a sound reason: the Supreme Court already settled it. Not like that STUPID ROE V WADE JIBBER-JABBER. We settled that one with a magic 8 ball and a call to the psychic hotline. Let’s give THAT one a do-over.

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I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know I want it to be spelled right and punctuated correctly. I guess that’s something.

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