TRUNCATED TRANSCRIPTION OF TRUMP’S CBS 60 MINUTES INTERVIEW AS COVERED BY ABC (With additional commentary)

Because I can’t believe this is actually happening.

ABC:

Trump sat down for his first TV interview since the election, and to clarify some of his campaign promises, and address the anger on display in many cities.

Don’t be afraid! We are going to bring our country back! But, certainly, don’t be afraid! We just had an election and, sort of like, you have to be given a little time.

UMMM…whose country are you bringing back? Because, newsflash: WE ARE AFRAID. WE ARE VERY AFRAID. But, thanks for the empty encouragement.

ABC:

Mr. Trump was also asked about acts of violence popping up in his name, or against his supporters. And about reports of racial slurs and personal threats against minorities by some of his supporters.

I am VERY surprised to hear that. I HATE to hear that. I am SO SADDENED to hear that. And I say, STOP IT. If it helps. And I will say this. And I’ll say it right to the camera (looks at camera): STOP IT.

UMMM…Wait!?!? Are you telling me that right here, right now, in the midst of your first televised interview since the election, is the FIRST YOU’VE HEARD ABOUT THE EPIDEMIC OF INSANITY THAT HAS BROKEN OUT SINCE YOU WERE ELECTED? And you are SO SURPRISED? You didn’t think blatantly encouraging racism, and rape culture, and gun violence, and intolerance at every one of your rallies might have consequences? Let me guess…you were just kidding around, right? You didn’t MEAN that stuff. Your people knew it was just in fun, right? And now, you’re SHOCKED. Okay. That’s cool. I’m sure it will stop now, since you calmly stated, “Stop it.” Twice. I’m sure that will have the same impact as the animated, colorfully caustic, ranting hate speeches that started all of this. And really, what else do we expect from you? After all, you ONLY JUST HEARD ABOUT IT FOR THE FIRST TIME. Just a bit of advice? You might want to brush up on your pre-briefing for the next time. Also, you might want to read the job description in full. By hook, or by crook, people are now going to look up to you. Somebody, somewhere, is going to emulate you. So, it’d be great if, you know, you wouldn’t be such an absolute douche bag.

ABC:

Trump addressed a number of his campaign during the 60 Minutes interview, including building a wall along the Mexican border (cuts to CBS interview):

They’re talking about a fence in the Republican Congress. Would you accept a fence?

Uhhh…for certain areas, I would. For certain areas, a wall is more appropriate. I’m very good at this. It’s called construction.

NO SHIT. Well, at least we hit on a subject you aren’t completely ignorant about. Something you’re VERY GOOD at. We know this because you were quick to make sure we knew. And you just couldn’t help that little condescending comment, could you? Well, guess what? You may not know anything about politics, but most of us know that building bridges and walls is, in fact, construction. So, thanks for giving us the benefit of your expertise.

ABC:

And on his campaign pledge to deport millions of undocumented immigrants, he said that would begin immediately

What we are going to do get the people that are criminal that have criminal records, gang members, drug dealers, we have a lot of these people. Probably 2 million, it could even be 3 million, we’re getting them out of our country or we’re going to incarcerate them.

What about the ones whose records consist of the one immigration charge? You sending them back, too? And incarcerate? Here? Because our prisons aren’t filled to the brim already? I think that’s great. Keep building onto the prison system infrastructure. Let’s keep funding prisons. Private ones, if possible. Don’t worry about educating kids before they become criminals so they can avoid prison. The kiddies will be FINE! THEY HAVE BOX TOPS!!!

ABC:

Trump restated his pledge to roll back abortion rights, pledging to appoint justices who could overturn Roe vs Wade, sending the issue back to the states. And, if a woman is seeking an abortion,

They’ll perhaps have to go to another state.

Umm…I sure hope not. It’s awfully pricey to get to another state from Alaska. So, this is awesome. I think it’s so “yesterday’s great America that never existed” of you to march right in with your penis, and no vagina or womb of your own, and strip women of their right to choose. Women were getting too many rights, anyway. Shit. We didn’t know what to DO with all that autonomy. It’s a damned good thing you came along when you did. So, now, all the poor babies born to poor, single moms who can’t afford them…YOU’RE going to take care of them, right? I mean, a billion dollars can feed a lot of kids, for a long time. And since YOU want them so much, I can’t imagine you’ll turn them away.

ABC:

But, on another controversial issue, marriage equality, he said the issue of same sex marriage is settled.

These cases have gone to the Supreme Court. They’ve been settled. And, I’m fine with that.

First of all, I agree with this. I just want to make that clear. I don’t TRUST it, but I agree with it. That said, I see how you came to your decision. It’s a sound reason: the Supreme Court already settled it. Not like that STUPID ROE V WADE JIBBER-JABBER. We settled that one with a magic 8 ball and a call to the psychic hotline. Let’s give THAT one a do-over.

Note: I had run out of fucks to give even before I started watching the full interview, but I realize that I can no longer afford to not give a fuck and so I’m going to read, or watch, or listen to every word Donald Trump says, or writes, or tweets. It may drive me to drink, but I will not be uninformed.

This man is a dangerous narcissistic sociopath, and I promise he is going to make you sorry you voted for him.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know I want it to be spelled right and punctuated correctly. I guess that’s something.

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