This is good, you identifying the primary emotion that is feeding into the judgement you place on yourself.
Try to remember what some famous smart person said ( I wanna say Einstein but I’m exhausted and not totally trusting my brain right now) about our brains (and I’m obviously paraphrasing since I can’t even remember the quoter)-
Any fucked up thinking you have going on --and you do, or you wouldn’t feel shitty about yourself because you are wildly fabulous--can’t be righted by the same brain doing the fucked up thinking.
We can’t see ourselves for who we truly are. We can see others as they are, sometimes. And they can see us. And it is important to remember that as you gather responses to this piece. Because we’s gonna wanna be lovin' on you and telling you the good we see in you and your brain is gonna be all like, “Nuh uh! If you knew this or that or someotherthing you would realize what I realize!”
And it will not be truth. Because we can see from way out here all the things your own brain can’t comprehend, stuck up there in your skull with a super limited range of vision.
You see us. Let us see you and actually believe what we tell you.
Also I am with you on the puke thing. Get it OUT, I say!
I don’t know what happened to you. I have somehow missed that story. But you are in my thoughts.