So, it’s the way things go.
A chapter you thought was the whole book.
A fourteen year-old girl, and the boy who filled the empty place left by a father who just couldn’t show up;
The him-shaped hole in her soul,
And the way, when he left, she was doomed to patch that broken place with a Band-Aid in the form of any man, anywhere.
And how it never worked
Because she was trying to replace an illusion.
A child’s illusion
That followed her into womanhood; into motherhood, and beyond.
And how he came back into the picture and she thought it was a miracle, Because now, the him-shaped soul-hole was gone
For the first time
In a long time
And she could breathe.
But it wasn’t the miracle she thought it was.
It was just another illusion — Just another disappearing act.
Only now, she wasn’t a child.
And through the emptiness, and the pain, and the fear
she learned the truth.
The hole wasn’t him-shaped.
The hole was just a hole.
There was never going to be a dad who loved her just because.
There was never going to be a him to rescue her from solitary confinement
And her whole life had been about that damned soul-hole
Instead of what was around it.
And even though it felt like her heart was being ripped into pieces, and stomped on, and turned inside out
It refused to stop beating.
And that wasn’t dad
And that wasn’t him
That was her.
That was HER.
And it always had been.