(And please do not take this wrongly), as the person in crisis here, I don’t think any of us expect long, well-organized responses from you. I think (at least for me) the things I write to you are for you to read, and consider. I hope that having some input coming from outside your own head is helpful, but i also hope you don’t let it overwhelm you to the point that it is more harmful than helpful. i hope that you are able to see that there is, in fact, a “beyond” to all of this pain. We who are reaching out to you are survivors. Please don’t make the mistake of assuming that because we are still breathing that our pain was somehow less than yours is.
We just chose life. And because of that pain, we are able to appreciate uniquely the exquisite sweetness of life.
In fact, though you couldn’t have convinced me of this before, I now find myself having bouts of melancholy related to knowing I am halfway (at least) through my life, because I now wish it could continue indefinitely.