Oh, Thom Garrett I am sorry you are hurting…even if it is because you are no longer hurting as much as you’re used to.
I have had a similar experience ( except completely different) and I want you to know it is totally normal, just in case you didn’t already.
After my son had his lung hemorrhage, he was pretty sick for a couple of years. At night, he had to be hooked up to a pulse oximeter that would alert us if his lung bleed ( he bled continually) increased enough to drop his oxygen saturation level below a certain point.
It hooked to his toe, and babies kick in their sleep, so we had a lot of false alarms ( literally) and unnecessary panic.
Then there were the doctor appointments — the constant bronchoscopies, waiting to see if it was better or worse because babies either go one way, or they go the other.
Throughout this process, I was Gibraltar. The rock, at least. Nothing could faze me. People were always amazed at how well I kept it together, but they didn’t understand.
I COULD DO THIS. I COULD DO WHATEVER WAS REQUIRED OF ME TO GET MY CHILD THROUGH THIS WITH MINIMAL PAIN AND SUFFERING.
I didn’t know much, but Dammit, I KNEW HOW TO BE HIS MOM.
When he turned 2, the doctor released Alex from his care. He hadn’t found any iron in his lungs for 3 months.
We donated the pulse ox to a medical donation center.
And it was behind us. We started out life as a healthy family.
And then I fell the fuck apart.
8 years later and I’m still putting myself back together. People always look at me funny when I try to explain how I was so great during his illness and an absolute mess when he got well.
But I think that you understand.
And of course, Grace was right.
Keep on keepin' on.