it’s funny because i can’t fucking believe there are people who think this is a good idea

Off the top of my head, just some stuff that was one way until it became a problem and we decided to pass laws that made the problem less of a problem and the world kept on turning and didn’t explode or anything.

(Disclaimer: No amendments were amended or repealed during the changing of our minds about things we thought differently about before we realized things needed to change.)

7 min readMar 3, 2018


1. Gist of thing that happened:

Crazy person putting poison in medicine bottles and putting them back on the shelf where people bought them and took the pills and died. Widespread panic.
the problem:
some people suck and have no problem going to the store and tampering with stuff they know will be ingested just because they had a bad day and want to make other people suffer
the solution:
Product recall followed by new tamper-proof packaging.

(Imagine that… something didn’t work well and people were dying because of it so the folks who made it pulled the whole mess out of stores and CHANGED the thing that didn’t work and made it harder to tamper with. )

  • also: CHILD-PROOF containers, to make it harder for little kids to accidentally kill themselves by taking an entire bottle of Tylenol because it tastes like Sweet Tarts.
  • and also: adding warning labels to aspirin, even after giving aspirin to children forever and ever, because we learned some new stuff about how it wasn’t safe for children to take.

(Note the use of the words LEARNED and NEW. )

Hardship on the general public —

There were tantrums far and wide; babies were pissed they couldn’t break into the pretty bottles anymore, would-be murderers’ dastardly plans were dashed. Sad.

Maybe it wasn’t a big deal to most people, but if a single baby was stopped from unnecessary tragedy, wasn’t it worth it?

2. Gist of thing that happened:

Normal sinus infection medication and some other basic, “ah, yeah, I think I have that in a drawer somewhere” ingredients can transform even the boy next door into a meth-cooking mastermind.
the problem:
huge methamphetamine epidemic in Suburbia, fucking up everything in its wake.
the solution:
(or at least an attempted solution): Track the sale of products used in the manufacture of methamphetamine and impose limits on the amount that can be purchased. Relocate those products from the grocery aisle to behind the pharmacy counter to make illegally obtaining them via theft more difficult.

How these changes negatively affected anyone who wasn’t trying to stockpile meth ingredients but instead just had a sinus infection:
They had to ask the pharmacist for a box of Sudafed and maybe sign a log and/or show ID. A hassle? Maybe a small one, if that’s the sort of thing that you get worked up about. But come on…the only people who should have had much of a problem with these changes were people who now had to go to 8 different stores instead of one before they cooked up a batch of homemade goodness (out of pseudo-ephedrine, I mean.)
It may not have have fazed seasoned meth lab CEOs, but I promise you, making the process more cumbersome deterred some people from starting their own home chemistry business in the first place.

And isn’t ANY improvement worth it? Isn’t A SINGLE LIFE SAVED worth at least making a change?

3. Gist of thing that happened:

People driving like they were on the Autobahn except they were anywhere else on the planet resulted in too many people being hurt or killed on the road.
the problem: Cars are heavier than people and when they are out of control and crash together the people rarely win

the solution: Speed limits***

***note the use of the word LIMITS. No one took anyone’s car away. Just didn’t let them drive as fast. And lives were saved.)

More about the privilege that is driving, for everyone that insists on comparing the idea that the distribution of guns should perhaps have limits imposed with permanently booting all of the vehicles everywhere forever:

Twelve years old and can’t see over the steering wheel? 96 years-old and can’t see five feet in front of you? Just downed your sixth shot of Jaeger while cruising Main Street but that wasn’t the reason you hit that tree? Duh, Everyone knows the tree jumped out at you. Diabetic seizure cause you to lose control of your car and slam into a parked car?
the problem: you clearly shouldn’t be driving
the solution: Driving tests(to demonstrate knowledge of traffic laws as well as ability to properly operate a motor vehicle on the road), Eye tests (because the blind should not be leading the blind from the driver’s seat), and Age limits and restrictions (to keep toddlers from driving themselves to daycare). License suspension and/or revocation for driving under the influence, plus fines, jail time, and additional restrictions if you are able to get the license back. Loss of vehicle forever if it happens more than once (in smart places). Certain medical conditions result in loss of license for a specific length of time, after which you must obtain a medical professional’s statement that any medical condition that makes it unsafe for you to drive is being managed and you are not a danger on the road.

ALSO…that killer car you keep comparing to a fully-automatic modded-out weapon must have a current registration and title, even if you bought it as a repo at auction from a dealer of questionable legitimacy.

Cars on the road have been cataloged and counted. So have licensed drivers. There is a way to find out who owns what, where, and for how long. Is it a perfect solution? NO! Is it an improvement from letting anyone, anywhere get behind the wheel of anything, in any mental or physical condition, at 120 mph, right into oncoming traffic?
I’m going to say yes.
Are there still going to be assholes who can’t and shouldn’t drive that drive anyway and get someone killed? Of course.
But some of those assholes are going to think twice, and not get into a car because they don’t want to end up in jail or dead.
If even one person does that, isn’t it worth it? If even one life is saved?

4. Gist of thing that happened:

It somehow became in vogue to arm yourself with modded-out fully-automatic weapons, charge into schools filled with children, and open fire.

the problem:
Do I really have to say it?

the solution:
Blame the victims and arm the teachers because no one is touching my fucking guns. I get to have them and you can’t do shit about it.

Is an inconvenience (a federal background check; a waiting period; a certification showing you know how the weapon you are purchasing works, what type of gun it is and its main intended purpose, and the responsibilities and potential risks that come with owning it, etc.) too much to ask to make deadly weapons a little less easy to obtain for people who really shouldn’t be in possession of them?

I wish those of you so staunchly opposed to even the slightest regulation of firearms would just be honest for once and admit that no civilian has an actual need for automatic weapons, or weapons of war, to further the protection of their own little piece of heaven. Your Glock, your 308, your 30 -06 — they’re all sufficient, and no one is trying to take them away from you. Or if they are, let’s be realistic: that is never going to happen. In fact, no one is even talking about TAKING anyone’s guns away at all. We just realize that going forward, what is happening cannot continue. You can blame the shooters (I certainly do), but they couldn’t have done what they did without the guns.

Let’s be honest: this country has a problem with excess. The Constitution said you could have guns, and it was pretty vague about it. I said my son could have Dr. Pepper. I didn’t mean he could have all the Dr. Pepper any more than the forefathers meant you could have all the guns. I wish they had realized that in the future, adults would be more like petulant children — egocentric, entitled, and lacking impulse control.

Because some of you are like,

Well, the 2nd Amendment doesn’t say I can’t own a then non-existent futuristic gun with the capacity to pulverize the internal organs of unarmed children by the dozen without my even really having to aim it. So that must mean the constitution meant for me to definitely have that very gun because what’s reason and common sense?”

Are you kidding me?

I wish they’d been specific. Because if I don’t tell my son he can only have ONE Dr. Pepper, he will drink as many of those suckers as he can get his paws on. But he’s a child. God. Grow up. Show a little fucking restraint. How hard is that?

By the way, about that 2nd Amendment:

One of the most frequent interpretations I’ve heard has to do with equating the “well-regulated militia” with “the individual protecting his family/freedom”. Somehow, the “well-regulated” part always seems to get left back with the eighteenth-century version, though. But I propose this, to those of you who believe the forefathers intended everyone have the right to bear arms because at any time, anyone could be called upon to act as part of the militia (the well-regulated one) — okay. Have your guns. Any kind you want. As soon as you go through the same rigorous weapons training that every person serving in our “militia” must complete before anyone allows them to so much as hit the firing range. Until then, though, you get no guns. Not even one.

That’s fine, you say?

Well, that’s gun control.




I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know I want it to be spelled right and punctuated correctly. I guess that’s something.