My son suffered a “catastrophic medical event” when he was exactly 6 weeks old. One morning, while I was wheeling him around in his stroller as my 4 year old attended a class at the local Imaginarium, all the lobes of his lungs just sort of burst and blood started pouring from his mouth and nose.
He was put into a coma so the doctors could try to figure out what happened while he hopefully formed clots. That lasted a week. He wasnt supposed to make it through the night.
I was a fucking trooper throughout the ordeal. A rock. Afterwards, he had to wear a pulse-ox on his toe and it slipped off all night, setting off the “your baby is dying” alarm. I stopped sleeping.
He continued to bleed, albeit sparsely, until he was 4. Then nothing. We still dont know what happened.
All this to say, I fell completely apart the first 2 years. Ended my marriage, almost lost my kids (didnt help that my husband at the time was a raging narcissist who isolated me from everyone but him and the kids). I ended up in rehab where I received Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) focused on that specific event.
It saved my sanity.
Whether someone died or not; whether that person is still in your life or not, you suffered a trauma and with that comes PTSD and time doesnt fix PTSD, and willpower doesnt fix it. It only keeps getting worse and infiltrating more and more of your life.
You need professional help. You’re not weak, and you’re not weird. You cant fix your broken brain with your broken brain. Someone who is NOT in your head (or your life) has to do that for you.
I recommend Googling DBT and tapping. I thought they were both so weird they couldn’t possibly work. They are both ways of reworking the brain pathways through physical methods, rather than the talk therapy we’ve grown accustomed to.
And in my humble opinion, they really work.
Good luck to you.