i live in Alaska. my dad died unexpectedly (but I guess, not) in Hobbs, NM, on March 3rd, 2017 of an oxycontin/temazepam/alcohol overdose. We had been estranged up until about a year before he passed. The last time I saw him we had a huge fight and I refused to speak to him or hug him at the airport. We spoke a few times after that over the phone, but no matter what a nightmare he created in my childhood home, or how much I believe cutting contact for all those years probably saved my life, I cant completely shake the guilt of that last physical goodbye.
i’m sorry about your mom…not just the dying part. being the child of an addict is terrifying.
just so you know, if it makes you feel less lopsided, being an addicted mom is pretty horrific too.
I’ve been on both sides. 8 years clean in October.
I’ve heard a lot of people say, “If you loved us, you would choose us over the drugs.”
I’ve said it.
and I want you to know how bafflingly powerful addiction is. if love were enough, addicted mothers wouldnt exist. She loved you. more than likely hated herself. justbreathe, and know that the last thing she would want you to feel right now is regret. That got me through losing dad. I knew that in the moment he left, all the petty, or painful, or guilty would have been completely overlooked. I knew all he would have wanted to communicate to me was how much he loved me. you and your mom both did the best you could.
I understand a good deal of what you are going through if you ever need to talk.