Jennifer Killgore my heart breaks reading this story because I know that feeling; you don’t even have to describe it. It’s that feeling of HOW DID THE BAD GUYS WIN AGAIN?
And I’m here to tell you, winning is a relative term. Bad people; truly bad ones, will always win because they aren’t bogged down by things like a conscience or human emotion.
The only way for you to emerge victorious is to stop measuring your success through their eyes. It is for them to matter as little to you as you do to them. And for a person with feelings and a heart, that is a very tall order. You have to stop caring what they say about you. No matter who they say it to. Because the right people won’t listen to them and the wrong people aren’t people you want in your life anyway. You have to stop trying to prove them wrong, because they aren’t bound by things like morals or ethics. A genuinely decent person has no defense against this. Except to submit to the reality that you have no control over them or anyone else except yourself.
You put all of your energy into building yourself up, maybe at first it’s to show them you aren’t beaten. But it won’t work, not really, until it’s not about showing them anymore.
Because they don’t matter.
They are nothing.
It’s hard to get there. I am not all the way there yet. I still have moments where I think oh god if he saw me now, how much weight I have gained, he would just love that. And I get angry at myself. And I have to remember that what he loves is for me to disintegrate. To fall apart. So why should what he loves have any part in how I feel about myself?