It’s not about the hair. Or the wrinkles. It’s about suddenly not being the person my brain remembers me being. I don’t look like my mom. Or my dad. So it’s not like I’m becoming one of them. I look in the mirror and I don’t see ANYONE I know. I see a stranger and it’s scary.

I’m not pretty. Not by anyone’s standards. I had a cute phase at around 16 but that was a long time ago. So this isn’t “I’m not pretty anymore. Poor me.” this is “I’m not me anymore. Who am I?” and it’s terrifying.

And I think married women at least have someone to say “no, you ARE still you.” but I don’t have that so I think I just feel very frightened. It took me a long time to accept myself. Through motherhood, and addiction, and divorce, and mental illness, and recovery. And now it feels like the person I didn’t like much but worked so damned hard to accept…it feels like shes gone and all of that pain and struggle was for naught. And it makes me sad.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know I want it to be spelled right and punctuated correctly. I guess that’s something.

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