I haven’t read this entire piece yet but I wanted to chime in on the beginning and “they tell you” section.
They will say whatever they have to. And they’re good at reading people, so they’ll probably be able to guess which of their stories will be least offensive to you. Did you grow up with an abusive father whose mother didn’t leave “for the good of the children?”
Forget the ruse about her just sticking around for the kids but blessing his affair. Now, they’re splitting up. Just working out the best custody agreement for the kids and taking time to make sure the kids are well adjusted. Isn’t he just the BEST DAD???
Dad cheated on your mom? His wife is already sleeping with someone else, but he doesn’t want to divorce and hurt the kids. As soon as they’re both 18, he’s all yours.
Married men who are trying to meet women are scumbags. Period. If they’re decent human beings unhappy in their current situation, they will resolve that situation before looking for another one. A good man has enough respect for his family to be transparent with his wife; man up, so to speak. And no matter how over the relationship is, he will wait until the papers are signed before moving on. Because he wouldn’t treat anyone with the kind of dishonesty and disregard present in an affair; least of all someone he once loved enough to marry.
And seriously, divorce is horrible in the best of circumstances. A decent man will grieve the loss, even if he also welcomes the closure.
A man looking for a mistress is bored. He requires the adoration that comes with new love and his wife knows him and is no longer starry-eyed in his presence. A good man welcomes the familiarity that comes with time, and sharing a life. He is able to see how these things are so much more special and rare than the honeymoon phase was.
A cheater needs to exist in a perpetual honeymoon state, and usually, relies on his wife to take care of him while he seeks this state out. As soon as his mistress starts to see beneath the surface, as his facade begins to crack…as soon as she no longer gets weak in the knees when he enters the room but instead starts to ask questions about why all the grand sweeping promises he made have yet to materialize, he will move on to another wide-eyed innocent who will put him back up on his pedestal.
I believe this with all my heart.
So good for you for not engaging their attempts.
But I do think it’s absolutely within your rights as someone being pursued by a man married to another woman to go ahead and judge the Hell out of him. And I wouldn’t be shy about it either, if I were you.
Tell him you’ll happily go to dinner with him, as soon as you confirm his story with the wife. Let him know you’ll be in touch with her and then you’ll definitely touch base with him about that dinner.
See how fast he backpedals.
I don’t recommend operating heavy machinery during this phase. Or drinking through a straw. You will, more than likely, be laughing too hard to drive or swallow.