Hi, Ryan

Funny. That’s my brother’s name. My narc brother to whom I’ve not spoken since August 2015. He and I are 37 and 43 respectively, so in my situation, he’s the baby. I’m an addict in recovery, about 6.5 years now. He’s a functional alcoholic who coaches (and berates, and belittles, and tears apart because it makes him feel better about himself) middle school students.

I feel bad for those students, because he’s good at what he does, and what he does is succeed in getting those kids believe he’s doing what he does for their own good.

I just wanted to chime in, as both the daughter and the sister of a malignant narcissist, and applaud your decision to stop showing your sister how her actions affect you. Because that absolutely DOES have an impact on her future interactions with you. The less of a reaction she gets, consistently, the less interest she’ll have in initiating those interactions. Because the emotion that accompanies those reactions are what fuel her up and allow her to keep her behavior going.

I just have one suggestion as your next step in the process: at some point you are going to have to do more than HIDE the frustration and irritation and rage she ignites in you. At some point you’re going to need to let those things go. You need to get yourself to a place where the things she does actually DON’T cause your blood to boil.

That comes with practice, and it comes with letting go of wanting some say in the choices other people make. It comes with forgiveness-of your sister, mom, and dad. Genuine forgiveness. The selfless kind. The kind that doesn’t have to be earned. It comes with learning to set clear boundaries and becoming willing to follow through with any consequences you claim crossing your boundaries will come with.

I hope you’re leading an active recovery; if you’re passive about it, one day, you WILL mess it up. And being active in recovery will help you so much to get to this next part…the freedom from being a slave to other people’s choices. It’s a difficult leap, but it’s the most rewarding you’ll make.

Good luck to you. ❤