first, i meant to say in the first response that an Alanon who isn’t being sponsored or is sponsored poorly is, in my experience, worse than an addict with a needle in her arm. To get enough recovery that you think you’re recovered, and not enough recovery to realize it’s a maintenance program, not a crash course. Because the codependent is an addict, too. Only their addiction is control. And God help anyone they’ve deemed in need of their assistance, because they will destroy you under the guise of ‘protecting’ you, and find a way to convince themselves it was the only way. Alanon’s actively participating in their own recovery behave the exact opposite of how your mother treated you. They want you to succeed, and will support you emotionally if you’re trying. But they allow you the distance and the dignity to make your own decisions, and they give you the freedom to make your own mess. And they understand that you know the consequences of your actions and if children are in danger they go through proper channels to ensure their safety and let you both deal with and sort out the rest. They don’t make themselves the CEO of your future with your kids and use them as pawns to show you how badly you fucked up. They don’t further entangle themselves in your life, they have learned to love with detachment, neither saving nor ruining your life.
sorry but what you described about your mother really made me angry. i particularly despise people behaving like monsters and claiming it is in the name of recovery. Recovery is not spiteful. It isn’t vindictive. It isn’t cruel. It is honest, and realistic; we don’t say the farts smell like flowers. But we don’t grind people into the ground with our heels when they’re already so fragile and broken. We empower them. We offer hope. And when we have to, we say we can’t help them anymore. Then we walk away. We don’t stay and add another 500 lbs of hardship to their already unbearable load.