So interesting that every morning lately when I awaken the first conscious words in my head have been, “Have to outrun…”
I share so many of the emotions you discuss here: the crippling fear, and the renewed ability to cherish the ordinary, walking through the death of my father and continuing to be shocked each time I see my mom, because in my mind’s eye, she is still a young woman. The woman she was when I was a child.
And I think I will not make it through losing her.
Except I have to because there are two pieces of my heart wandering around out here who won’t make it through losing me.
It’s all so very confusing. I don’t want a world without her, yet I’m terrified of ceasing to exist here and leaving my children in a world without me.
I think about it and cry sometimes. Then I think, WHY ARE YOU CRYING ABOUT DYING? It won’t affect you. YOU’LL BE DEAD.
I try reason, but it doesn’t help. ❤