Do you know what I know now? That no matter how we may have left things…if we had never built that relationship up, for whatever it was…if I had still detested him for his past actions…I know it wouldn’t matter to him. I know that if he could tell me now, he would say none of it mattered. He would say he loves me. He would say he knows how much I love him. He would not want me to have regrets. I know that if there is an after here and he exists in it, all is forgiven and there are no hard feelings. Because I know he was flawed--terrible, even, throughout the years. But I see now he was broken, and I know he would want me to know that had nothing to do with me. I know he wanted to do better and he didn’t know how. I know he felt like a failure and like he couldn’t do anything right. And if I could talk to him now, I would tell him I am okay. And that I love him just as he was. And I would hug him until he didn’t feel like a failure anymore.

I think it matters less than we think it does, things being mended when someone leaves us. It only matters to us. So we do our best while they are here. But the trick is being able to say it was enough, no matter how little, and to believe it. The trick is not putting ourselves in a prison of guilt and regret. Because that is not what they would want. No matter who they were in life.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know I want it to be spelled right and punctuated correctly. I guess that’s something.

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