Bare in the Cold: Alaska Winter Wardrobe Conversations with a Teenager

Or, Chuck, I’ll take I just became my mother for the WIN!!

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Me:

Put some pants on, please.

Her:

Oh, geez. You’re right! The snow came down about a mile on the mountains last night. That means it must be below freezing outside. It would be ridiculous to go out there with nothing covering my legs. Good lookin’ out, Mom!

IN MY HEAD, I MEAN!

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It’s not funny. It’s COLD!

Out loud, the conversation went more like this:

Put some pants on.
I’m wearing these.
Okay, you can wear them under your pants.
Yeah, except I’m not wearing pants.
Put some PANTS on!
No!
Do it now.
Mom, it’s not that cold.
Alaina!
No!!!

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I am calm. So, so calm. And I continue:

FINE. I’ll put some shorts on, too. I need to ask a question in the office, anyway.
Mom, you can’t wear shorts to my school. You’ll look all…old.
Watch me.
FINE! I hate you!
***she snatches her jeans out of my hand, staring daggers at me. I smile sweetly and say,

That’s okay, as long as you hate me with pants on.

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If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. My mama didn’t raise no fool! Of course, you’d have maybe thought differently in November 1987, when this conversation took place the FIRST time.

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YouTube Girl who may or may not resemble me in the 80s

So, I won parenting today. What the Hell did YOU do?

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know I want it to be spelled right and punctuated correctly. I guess that’s something.

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