An Open Letter to all Fair Texas Maidens Celebrating the New “Fetal Heartbeat” Bill Today
Congratulations, you did it! Abortion is CURED!
Let me take a moment to salute you.
Your government literally could not have made this happen without you, ladies!
Without you to weigh in, the whole pro-life movement would just be a bunch of dudes bonding at the bar over how they wish God still made girls the way he used to before the world got all horny for gender equality.
Instead, you can sleep tight knowing your future as a portable incubator is secure. Have a drink on me.
(But just one. You don’t want to get tipsy and accidentally entice anyone with a penis to unpreventable procreation. Men and their uncontrollable urges, amirite?Hahaha! Your purity ring would lose all meaning!)
To tell you the truth, I really thought you’d locked the problem down last time. That whole plan — you know, the one to prevent teen pregnancies by sternly telling teenage girls to keep their legs together and stuff their hormonal impulses down until they can’t feel them anymore — was GENIUS!
(I mean, it worked for you and all the other “forever single” Texas roses, right? You’re all out there ready for your life to take off; just waiting for your own JR Ewing to climb down off his oil rig and activate all that potential locked inside you. You’re a sea of walking wombs. You’re a vessel for an always-dwindling egg supply just waiting for a husband-type to put a baby in your belly.
After all, your daddy raised you right! You’re all still planning to enter into a marriage one day with your hymen intact and a thousand prayers to God that all that high school sex experience your beloved stud muffin and a variety of basic sluts accumulated in the back seat of his mom’s ’99 station wagon will translate to the fucking not sucking (If you’ll pardon my French) once he opens your flower. And I believe that is TOTALLY going to happen!)
So, anyway, yeah. I thought you nailed it with the very authoritative tone in your “sex will literally kill you and here are a few stylish chastity devices for those young ladies with a particularly independent spirit” sex ed curriculum. Unfortunately…